So much for being your dream girl. So much for experiencing the sensations of sharing love with you "every day for the rest of my life." So much for me "not going anywhere." It seems we say good things in the heat of moments just as we say horrible, regrettable things. I feel just as battered as ever, not because you've treated me so horribly up to this point, but because you honestly deterred me from believing it would happen. I have to retain the faith that I was not meant to be with you, and therefore, we have fallen apart as the unit we were so that I could indeed seek out the one who makes me feel even better than you once did. It's true, I crave you. I wake up in the morning and the dark weight in my stomach creeps in through my consciousness. I lay here, paralyzed with overwhelming emotion just simply because you aren't here, and you won't be here again.

There are few things that don't remind me of you. The way that I feel when my shift is coming to an end is no longer enjoyable. Instead of rushing back to our wonderful romance, I sulk to my house, not home, and sit alone with only the haunting of loneliness for company. You tell me you pray you aren't the one crying in the end. What does that mean? You hope you don't regret this decision? Or you hope I'm still here when you finally do? There's no way we can rekindle this any time soon. If and when the appropriate time has passed and you may come back, it will never be the same. I will be numb to you. I'm not looking forward to this challenge because only suffering further will build these walls back up, reinforced and stronger than ever. I am dreading the day I look at you with no love in my eyes. You'll have killed an amazing part of me.

You tell me you have love and respect for me, thus why you are saving me from future confusion and disappointment. You know you aren't capable of giving me what I need, and I am thankful you recognize it, but it doesn't make this any easier. I have never loved someone and let them go. I've improved myself over and over to be the best girl I can possibly be for myself and for them. I want to be that driving, motivating person in your life. You just won't let me. So, if you are indeed being heroic and saving me from what devastation you know you will cause me in the future, thank you. If you honestly think I will ever be able to bounce back from this brutal emotional abandonment, you don't know me very well.

How can you put words to,
These things in my head
The things that I’ve read
What I can never for…get

I’ll run and never tire
I set the world on fire
You’re callin’ me a liar, but
It’s you that I de….sire

It’s just fuel to feed the flame
The world is not the same
It will always change
And I will, And I will, And I will
Remain…..

Come for me
Along with me
Here for me
Leave with me
I'd have you at my side
Just slide your hand into mine
We'll walk til we divide
Walk until we coincide

Discover different planes
Suspended on sun rays
Stretch into starry skies
To find where our worlds combine

Floating on a bass line
Defying our lives in time
Leaving the safety grid
to find out what's shaking it.

Into the bliss
On with the kiss
Make me alive
Oh the laws we deny
I'd have you at my side
Just slide your hand into mine
We'll walk til we divide
Walk until we collide

Shaded by lunar flaws
Can't feel the sun at all
We'll wait just close your eyes
Lets hide until summer time

Sinking from outer space
Sinking for days and days
Sinking back to the ground
To show them what we had found.

Today I could walk away at any moment and I think I would be okay. There's just something keeping me from doing so. Such thing as too perfect? Too easy? Too effortless? Too...

Letting it be.

How to Breathe Underwater

Currently suspended in the not-so-balance of acceptance. I like you, or something. When he whispers the cliff hanger my insides smile. Not the genuine kind, but the uneasy, smug sort that throws us off. How can hearts be so close when the minds wander? There's no magnetic field here.

The motions happen and he leaves his key. I walk the dog and take a step back from our driven pace. I realize she is pulling and I am rubbing my blood peppered palms on the part of my thighs where jeans should be. It's okay, because I have felt much more stupid than this.

It has been fifteen minutes since he left us here and the smell of his nape is dissipating. I feel like a stray cat. I am happy to be fed but I don't know how to live caged. I don't know where to begin to learn to tolerate the domesticated cycle of consistency... but I can appreciate a warm bed and a loving touch more than someone who has been accustomed to affection.

So often people say the words "I love you" when they don't mean it. What is it called when you mean it, but can't say it? Does that somehow mean its real? I am so skeptical of the softening of my interior, but I am so protective of the possibility that I am willing to belong with someone. I am so bulldog of this sensation I wonder if I will ever lay it in the hands of another. For now, my secret. I love him, or something.

I want to love him. I want to love him so deeply and so madly that he heals. I want to love his sorrows away until they are not only tolerable, but conquerable. I want him to breathe my affection to cure his afflictions. I want to soak him into me until I am consumed. How do we let go?

These embellished fantasies
They poison me
Locked inside a world of simplicity
Longing for challenge
The way we mesh our minds
Rips me from the place I've called home
...For so long
I lack tolerance for torture
But I can't stop running toward this
Some portal to a universe unknown
It troubles me
You're captivating the incapable
I miss my feet on the ground
But oh, these clouds.

I've got one thing to hide behind
It's hard to get out of your own way
You can only push so hard before you bruise.
"What's meant to be will happen"
What does that even mean?

So take, take the scraps of this vessel
They want to be a newer model
Amp my interior and push my accelerator
Drive me down a road I've never seen.
Teach me how to learn
Manipulate my consistencies
I want to be enlightened with everything you.

I've got one thing to hide behind
It's hard to get out of your own way
You can only push so hard before you bruise.
"What's meant to be will happen"
What does that even mean?